Words Disappear
by Unknowndiva
Summary: Evan messed things up, maybe it would be better if he'd just..disappear? Takes place during/after 'Word Fail'; Trigger Warnings inside.


**Hey guys! This is my first time writing for Dear Evan Hansen, though I am a MASSIVE fan! I plan to write more, but I am just trying this one out. If you guys like it, I will continue it, if not, i'll keep it as a one-shot. Thanks for your time, and please review, (nicely plz). ;)**

 **TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, anxiety.**

"How could you?" Cynthia glared holes into Evan's tear-tracked face before Evan felt himself falling to the floor.

Evan held his pulsing red cheek and watched 's flats stomp out the room, her tears leaving a trail.

Evan's hiccups only increased when he saw Larry's squeaky brown shoes shove themselves into his vision. Despite the pulsing in his head that was telling him to look up at the man, Evan couldn't. He couldn't be faced with the same deep hatred and disappointment he had seen shining in his own father's eyes a few years prior. Not in the man he had come to love and admire in such short time. A man that had made him feel like he was worth something. A man that was teaching him to see that his father was wrong, Evan wasn't a failure, he meant something to someone he _belonged_ somewhere. But when Evan's shirt was grabbed in Larry's harsh grip and was dragged out the door with nothing more than a snarl that said 'And don't come back', he knew he had messed up. He messed everything up, like he always did.

It was Evan's luck that it was absolutely pouring outside and he wore nothing other than his thin gray sweater and an old T-shirt underneath. Evan tried to get control of his breathing as he dragged himself down the driveway before a tingling on his shoulder gave him the need to turn around.

Zoe's sobbing paused dramatically when she noticed Evan Hansen staring at her through the front window. She couldn't even focus on how hard the boy was trembling when an intense wave of anger rocked her body and had her slamming the blinds closed, not before mouthing 'asshole' and glaring hard at the boy.

Evan's breath got caught in his throat when Zoe closed the blinds.

 _Slam on the break_

Why didn't he just

 _Before I even turn the key_

It all would have been fine if he'd just

 _Before I make the mistake_

And now he'd fucked it up...again.

 _Before I lead with the worst of me_

The words swam in Evan's head, drowning him. Hands. Hands were choking him. His feet started running, trying to fight off the hands that were choking him and the words that were drowning him. He was _pathetic_. He messed things up with Jared, Alana, his mom, and now the Murphys. God, he couldn't even kill himself right. All he wanted to do was help. _Help the Murphy's_. Thats all he wanted to do. But now they rather him just disappear. Maybe that would just help everyone. If he'd just disappear.

Evan didn't even notice when he flew past his mom in a rush to get upstairs. He barged blindly up the steps and only opened his eyes when he was in the bathroom. His body was still trembling, and his hands shook wildly as he ran his hands through his hair. Zoe's face burned into his eyes like a hot poker and made his body physically shrivel up. His thin knees dug into his chest and his nails implanted themselves into his soaked jeans. His body was fighting it's own internal battle and it was all he could do to just _breathe_. He closed his eyes in a desperate attempt to focus, but it only made his skin crawl and more tears to come leaking out. When had he started crying? Evan barely noticed as his body let out a loud scream of grief.

In one move Evan was reaching for the medicine cabinet. He didn't even notice the pounding on the door as he grabbed a random bottle of pills and pried the top open. His body was no longer his own as he swallowed the whole bottle of pills and started reaching for more. It was when he was opening up a third bottle his mom had finally found the keys and came bursting in the room.

Heidi screamed at the scene and grabbed her son in one fluid motion. The third pill bottom went crashing to the floor, sending little pills flying everywhere. A pale, sobbing Evan went diving to the floor after them. He could barely coordinate his movements as his mom struggled to pull him up. Evan's trembling hands reached under the sink for the lingering pills and Heidi couldn't stop crying as she smacked them out her son's hands.

"Evan stop! Stop!" She screamed.

Heidi had finally grabbed Evan as his movements became slower and his body grew heavy. His eyes were bloodshot and still leaking tears as they sagged, while he chewed on his lip. Heidi grabbed his shaking wrists in one hand and pulled Evan against her chest with the other. It was then she noticed his sluggish movements.

"How many did you take?" She forced his eyes to looking into her searching and devastated ones.

"Two," Evan mumbled, eyes falling shut.

"Two pills?" Heidi asked, feeling the tiniest bit relieved.

"Bottles," Evan hiccuped.

Heidi's eyes widened and she started thumping on his stomach. Evan started to whimper.

"No mom, no," he cried, weakly trying to fight off her arms. He just wanted to disappear.

"Please, Evan, please," Heidi sobbed desperately.

After what felt like years, a pile of pills and vomit came spilling onto the floor. E van, who was now quietly crying, went limp in his mother's arms. Heidi didn't stop for a breath as she picked up her son bridal style and carried him downstairs. She laid her comatose son on the couch as she dialed for 9-1-1.

Heidi stared at her baby boy. He had dark circles under his eyes and his face seemed more sunken than ever. Despite his body being asleep he still trembled viciously and it was only then she noticed her son was soaked to the bone. Heidi was ashamed to admit this was the first time she had actually taken time to _see_ her son in about a week. She knew she'd come up short despite her efforts, but she never knew it would be this bad. Evan's breaths were slow as she covered him with a blanket, just as the EMTs came bursting through the door. Heidi tried not to break down as they drove her dying son away.

 **If you want me to continue, let me know! Thanks for reading, plz review!**


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